Rental Raters Blog

12th January 2016

The @getinthesea guide to the living hell of renting a home

Written by
Get In The Sea
Get In The Sea
Follow author @getinthesea

@getinthesea exists to highlight people and stuff that serve no discernible purpose on dry land and should be thrown into the fucking sea instead.

The @getinthesea guide to the living hell of renting a home

For decades, Britain has proudly been a nation of homeowners. Sadly though, in 2015, there’s too many greedy bastards who own too many of the homes, renting them out to those of us who don’t earn the supernatural salaries required just to buy a ‘studio flat’ whose existence contravenes 70% of the Geneva Convention.

Forget about getting on the housing ladder – the haves have got their hands on the ladder and they’ve just smacked you across the back of the head with it as they wander away. Renting is your only hope, but renting is hell. Here’s everything you need to look out for.

LETTING AGENTS

Using one of these nefarious, scum-sucking overlords of pain and misery in order to find yourself a humble dwelling in which to abide? You do know that they don’t give a single flying fuck about you, yes? The fact that you even exist is just about enough for them to handle, and they’ll only acknowledge that so they can latch on to your bank account and start draining funds from it, like a greedy baby on the teat of an exhausted mother.

Their customer is the prick who owns the bricks and mortar that you want to live in – you’re just a source of income, and if you were some kind of fucking cash-spewing robot that could be locked in the bathroom and powered down for twenty hours each day, everyone would be a fuck of a lot happier.

They’ll dick you about over the properties that they’ve got available, they’ll screw you with the small print and fleece you with additional charges, and if anything goes wrong while you’re a tenant, you’ll either need to deal with it yourself or wait a fortnight for their chosen repair twat to come round and botch the fucking job, leading to another fortnight of emotional pain.

Your life and happiness exists in the imaginary palm of an imaginary hand belonging to a complete and utter cunt.

PRIVATE LANDLORDS

These fuckers aren’t much better – rather than the faceless, uncaring shit-soldiers that are manning the letting agency, your private landlord will probably care TOO FUCKING MUCH about his property and the way you’re treating it.

You’re only ever 24 hours away from this nosey shitehawk popping round to inspect the place, so keep on top of the washing up and the class A paraphernalia, and always have a plan for concealing the fact that you’re keeping a Komodo Dragon in the airing cupboard, in breach of the ‘no pets’ rule in the tenancy agreement.

Oh, and he’ll probably evict you in the blink of an eye once his midlife crisis goes nuclear and his wife boots him out so don’t get too fucking comfortable.

LIVING WITH YOUR PARENTS

No, it’s fine to do this – the government says so. If you’re under 25, you can just go fuck yourself in lieu of getting any kind of housing benefit, but that’s okay because you can just carry on living with your folks.

You know, in one of those cosy nuclear families, where everyone gets along just dandy with each other and you all assemble in front of the TV every Sunday evening to watch Songs of Praise and the Antiques Roadshow, before prayers and an early bedtime.

If your family isn’t like that, and is actually some kind of hothouse for physical and emotional abuse, making it impossible for you to be there, tough shit. Stay in your bedroom, or move into the shed or a nearby hedge. Getting a mortgage is, and always will be, beyond you, so just suck it up or commit yourself to the fucking sea.

Worst of all though, two words… subdued wanking. You, not them. Although…

  • Reno Raines

    Whiney pissbitches who can’t afford to buy a place and instead moan on the internet about how unfair it is, get in the fucking sea.

    • majestic whine

      Or aren’t stupid enough to borrow more than they can afford to buy currently overpriced property and then (after the forthcoming financial implosion happens) when interest rates shoot up – whining about how they could never have realised that it was possible for their mortgage to increase and its not fair they they are getting foreclosed on.

    • Chris Dala

      its called having a laugh you sad gimp

    • Sledgehammer hammer

      Well in! You should deffo show all your mates how witty you’ve been there!
      I reckon they’ll really appreciate it, because they’ll undoubtedly be fucking bellends, just like you.

    • Budgerigirl

      Erm, this is a site for renters…? Maybe you’re in the wrong place if you look down on people who have less money than you. If you have ever had the misfortune to have to rent in this day and age you’d know most of this article is no exaggeration. Are you saying people with less money have no right to live in acceptable and affordable accommodation? Get over yourself, narcissist.

    • Fin

      Yeah, how dare all these dirty peasants have a joke about how shit things can be sometimes…

  • Reno Raines

    Thinking about it, poor people with a chip on their shoulders. Get in the fucking sea.

    • Fin

      Poor people without a chip on there shoulders would be fine though. If your poor, shut your mouth and never complain? or you can but just do it without a chip? is that the message? just to be to clear.

  • MS

    A few years ago I was fortunate enough to be in a position to rent out my flat as a private landlord. I wasn’t buying up property to rent or anything like that, I was on a pretty average office worker salary. I just found myself in a fortunate position, as I’m sure many people do. I put the flat on the market for less than the going rate and made a point of being as friendly, approachable and accommodating to my tenants as possible. Here’s what I got for my trouble.

    The first tenant backed out on the day she was due to move in and didn’t even bother to contact me to let me know. That cost me about £800 in estate agent fees.

    The second tenant was perfect, no hassle whatsoever but quit before the tenancy was due to finish and with very little notice.

    The third tenants, a couple, were a nightmare. Within a couple of days they mounted a satellite dish without bothering to ask me. After two months they stopped paying their rent. They bought a ton of stuff on credit without paying, and when I finally got rid of them I found they’d filled the garage with so much garbage it took a fortnight to clear.

    The fourth and final tenant, an older lady who seems quite nice initially, moved in and quickly demanded I pay for her phone line, requested I visit the flat to repair a door then wrote to the council alleging that I was infringing on her private space, broke the boiler, and finally threatened to change the locks.

    After that I gave up. It was easier to just pay council tax on an empty flat and where I was actually living.

    So yeah, many landlords are really bad. But nobody ever seems to comment on how some tenants are just utter disrespectful cunts.

  • Fin

    I for one plan to take my skillset and fuck off to a place where my money is wanted. bollocks to Britain. They can keep it.

  • £3forCorbyn

    I am a BTL landlord not for the money, but for the lording element. I enter my properties, I order my humble tenants to bow down, I lord it over them a bit and then I put their rent up if they fail to bow deeply enough.

    On my way out I shit on the carpet and I stop it out of their deposit as damages.

    Ha ha ha ha ha ha!