Rental Raters Blog

12th January 2016

The @getinthesea guide to the living hell of renting a home

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Get In The Sea
Get In The Sea
Follow author @getinthesea

@getinthesea exists to highlight people and stuff that serve no discernible purpose on dry land and should be thrown into the fucking sea instead.

The @getinthesea guide to the living hell of renting a home

For decades, Britain has proudly been a nation of homeowners. Sadly though, in 2015, there’s too many greedy bastards who own too many of the homes, renting them out to those of us who don’t earn the supernatural salaries required just to buy a ‘studio flat’ whose existence contravenes 70% of the Geneva Convention.

Forget about getting on the housing ladder – the haves have got their hands on the ladder and they’ve just smacked you across the back of the head with it as they wander away. Renting is your only hope, but renting is hell. Here’s everything you need to look out for.

LETTING AGENTS

Using one of these nefarious, scum-sucking overlords of pain and misery in order to find yourself a humble dwelling in which to abide? You do know that they don’t give a single flying fuck about you, yes? The fact that you even exist is just about enough for them to handle, and they’ll only acknowledge that so they can latch on to your bank account and start draining funds from it, like a greedy baby on the teat of an exhausted mother.

Their customer is the prick who owns the bricks and mortar that you want to live in – you’re just a source of income, and if you were some kind of fucking cash-spewing robot that could be locked in the bathroom and powered down for twenty hours each day, everyone would be a fuck of a lot happier.

They’ll dick you about over the properties that they’ve got available, they’ll screw you with the small print and fleece you with additional charges, and if anything goes wrong while you’re a tenant, you’ll either need to deal with it yourself or wait a fortnight for their chosen repair twat to come round and botch the fucking job, leading to another fortnight of emotional pain.

Your life and happiness exists in the imaginary palm of an imaginary hand belonging to a complete and utter cunt.

PRIVATE LANDLORDS

These fuckers aren’t much better – rather than the faceless, uncaring shit-soldiers that are manning the letting agency, your private landlord will probably care TOO FUCKING MUCH about his property and the way you’re treating it.

You’re only ever 24 hours away from this nosey shitehawk popping round to inspect the place, so keep on top of the washing up and the class A paraphernalia, and always have a plan for concealing the fact that you’re keeping a Komodo Dragon in the airing cupboard, in breach of the ‘no pets’ rule in the tenancy agreement.

Oh, and he’ll probably evict you in the blink of an eye once his midlife crisis goes nuclear and his wife boots him out so don’t get too fucking comfortable.

LIVING WITH YOUR PARENTS

No, it’s fine to do this – the government says so. If you’re under 25, you can just go fuck yourself in lieu of getting any kind of housing benefit, but that’s okay because you can just carry on living with your folks.

You know, in one of those cosy nuclear families, where everyone gets along just dandy with each other and you all assemble in front of the TV every Sunday evening to watch Songs of Praise and the Antiques Roadshow, before prayers and an early bedtime.

If your family isn’t like that, and is actually some kind of hothouse for physical and emotional abuse, making it impossible for you to be there, tough shit. Stay in your bedroom, or move into the shed or a nearby hedge. Getting a mortgage is, and always will be, beyond you, so just suck it up or commit yourself to the fucking sea.

Worst of all though, two words… subdued wanking. You, not them. Although…